My writing very purposely and decidedly centers black women and black children. I will not change or amend this to salve your discomfort.
Earlier, I posted an article based around a video called “24 things every black mom has said” and addressed the ways that cultural norms amongst black mothers are producing hurting and traumatized black adults. When I posted the article to my Facebook page, a follower posed the question “are you going to address the root causes of these behaviors as well?” And seeing as though the previous article can be perceived or shared as an attack on black mothers at large in a world that already over polices black women and black motherhood in general- it is important to understand the causes of these behaviors both historically and presently and to provide solid connections between these behaviors and the mental/ emotional state of most black adults whom have been victims of “physical discipline”.
Some of the most common justifications among child abuse apologists are as follows based on my own interactions with supporters of this “parenting method” are:
· Spare the rod, spoil the child
· White children don’t get hit and they act out more
· White children don’t get hit and they shoot up schools
· I beat you because my parents beat me and I turned out okay
· I hit my children because I love them
· I hit my children to keep them out of trouble and jail
· Not beating your son will make him gay
· Not beating your daughter will make her “fast”
· If you don’t hit your child, there is no other way to discipline them or teach them to respect authority
Spare the rod, spoil the child
This idea is based directly from a Bible quote, Proverbs 13:24, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them”. In the spirit of full transparency- I am a spiritual atheist (my only religious-ish beliefs that I hold onto are ancestral reverence and worship) and ANTI Judeo-Christianity and Islam especially so I am sure some people reading this are going to disregard my thoughts on this logic specifically for that reason. God is the number one trigger of cognitive dissonance. I mean- how can something be wrong if it came from the word of the lord, right? Here is how: this quote is taken completely out of context by most people that use it. The section of this bible that this quote is taken from is a farming metaphor and uses the rod as a metaphor. Jesus is known as the “lamb of God” to those that believe. Rods are an item that is tied closely to shepherds. The lord is also “our” shepherd. Shepherds do not literally strike sheep with their rods to correct misbehavior or those that stray from the pack, but they do guide…even if it’s to slaughter. And the lambs follow because they respect the shepherd. You are the shepherd to your little lambs. The passage is saying to guide your lambs with the same love and attention a shepherd does with his sheep. It does not specify to literally beat your children with rods.
I personally find specific issues with black people using this skewed and misinterpreted justification because even if you look past the fact that the passage does not even literally state to hit children with rods- Christianity is not an African religion and most black people would not be Christian (or Muslim for that matter) if not for European (and Arab) colonization of African and the transatlantic slave trade. I will always have an issue with using logic, ideas, or belief systems that are not native to Africa, and are directly OPPRESSIVE and sought specifically to erase African traditional systems, as a measure of what is good or healthy. White supremacist logic NEVER favors black growth, progress, and liberation. I will always have an issue with using the bible (or Koran, for that matter) as a reasoning for why black women and children are inherently dirty and worthy of scorn and distrust (because the bible isn’t much friendlier to woman as it is to skewed representations of passages about beating children). Children, like lambs, are pure. You, as their parent literally shape their mind and behaviors. You teach them how to behave either by what you do or do not do. Unless your child is not neurotypical they have the ability to learn, rationalize, and be reasonable- you are the cause and cure of their problems. Not that rod. Also- you can’t “spoil children” anyway… they’re not fucking fruit. If you MUST follow this archaic nonsense- then for the love of Jesus- at least interpret it correctly.
Edit: Proverbs 24:13–14 does LITERALLY order you to hit your children “because it won’t kill them”. Pretty much more fuel for my anti Judeo-Christianity fire honestly. Continue following a book that is anti-child and anti-woman, that condones slavery and rape as long as you pay a woman’s dad for it. Your own choice. Still an archaic, un- and anti- African belief system, nonsense ass justification for reasons I’ve already listed. This is why my official stance on all religions are “If you MUST have gods, then you should have YOUR OWN”. The only religious systems I hold to any kind of regard are native African traditions. Decolonizing your spirituality seems to be the key to decolonizing your parenting.
White children don’t get hit and they act out more
This one is very common. It is usually sparked by videos of white children throwing tantrums, hitting their mothers, and being boldly disrespectful in ways that black people comment they would never do because they’re scared of their mothers being violent for them. This rationale is bullshit because tantrums are a normal part of childhood. Yes- that is right. Tantrums are normal. They are cries by children for attention. Hitting a child is not the way to cure tantrums, ignoring them is. Because children throw tantrums with the specific hope of attention or something in particular they learn to stop throwing tantrums when it no longer accomplishes whatever it is their young minds wanted to achieve. My daughter has thrown exactly two tantrums in her life. The first time she got put for a nap and woke up more rational. The next time I ignored her while reading a magazine and when she stopped being ridiculous we had a rational conversation about her “using her words” and the importance of realizing that I will not always give her want she wants- but that I will always give her what she needs. She was two. Children can be reasonable beings if you give them a chance to be so.
I am not a sociologist, but if I had to hypothesize why tantrums are seemingly more common amongst white children- I think it would have a lot more to do with the fact that white women economically have more money to actually provide the things that their children are acting up over and thus feeding into a cycle of tantrums with increasing severity. Black children are much more likely to be impoverished or grow up in a single income home where they learn quickly that crying for something will not get you what you want- whether that knowledge comes directly or indirectly.
Parents with children whom are physically violent towards them and do not use physical discipline are alarming but they are not normal. They are rare. And the lack of physical discipline is not the reason why their children are acting up and out. As many episodes of Dr. Phil and Nanny 911 have taught me- it is a lack of structure altogether. Any child growing up in a structure-less home will have behavioral issues and lash out. It is also notable that children whom are not neurotypical often have tantrums because they lack the tools to properly ask for what they want and are less capable of rationality under stressful circumstances. Unless you know specifically the intellectual/ physical status of the child, assuming that they are acting out because they aren’t getting hit is possibly ableist. And if you believe that hitting a differently abled child as a form of discipline is ok- please remove yourself from the gene pool.
White children don’t get hit and they shoot up schools
I really wish Microsoft word had an eye roll emoji because this is the most annoying one on the list to me. White children are shooting up schools because they are angry at people at school and have access to guns. That’s it. It is also notable that most school shooters do not have happy home lives and ARE being abused at home and bullied at school. The assumption that whiteness and misbehavior= no whoopings is absolutely false. This bring us to the next point…
I beat you because my parents beat me and I turned out okay
Believing that black children have and should have violence as part of their childhood and non-black children don’t or shouldn’t is some seriously fucked up colonized ass thinking that could have possibly been taught via slavery for members of the African diaspora and colonization/ Arab slavery in continental Africans (I am not a continental African and thus will focus on the African Diaspora). Whipping and other acts of violence were the primary form of discipline for slaves while white children got to behave how they wanted with no recourse because those were the inherent privileges of not being black. It seemingly created a resentment and complex among black mothers. White children could do what they wanted because they were children and they got to be innocent and explore and make mistakes that would cause black children their lives. Black slave mothers would beat their children before Massah could and aid in the breaking of the spirit of black children to later protect them from the brutality of Massah. It was a horrible coping mechanism black mothers had to learn under extreme and dehumanizing circumstances. This is an intergenerational trauma that we do not need to keep passing onto black children. Why is Massah still the disciplinarian in your home?
Also in reference to my previous article “The Accidental Toxicity of Black Mothers”- you are not ok.
I hit my children because I love them
This is arguably the most problematic thought pattern on child abuse. Teaching your children that being hit is love is not ok. It creates domestic abusers and victims of that abuse. And it teaches them early to wire their brain to be able to normalize and internalize these things. It is not ok. Violence is not and can never be love- in ANY context. Teach your child that their body is theirs and that no one has the right to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable or that makes them feel unsafe. This protects their young minds from internalizing any possible future violence- whether it is sexual violence or physical assault as normal or acceptable. It also teaches them to accept and respect the bodily autonomy of others young- which in turn has strong possibility to both prevent and increase reporting/ prosecution of abusers.
I hit my children to keep them out of jail and gangs
This one is easily the MOST FALSE. Reality check, not only is there an entire mass incarceration system that makes billions off of prison labor, there is also a racist legal and policing system that specifically targets black bodies. There have been government conspiracies to drop crack cocaine into our streets after economics not “trickling down” then “wars on drugs” started specifically to criminalize our drug use (interestingly enough drug use and abuse is being treated like a public health crisis now that opiod usage is attacking a white demographic). We are the targets of this system and being a well behaved negro will not protect you from it. It is proven that we can be literally murdered when we have committed no crime, on camera, and that no consequence will come to the murderer. They hung well behaved, and well-dressed black men and women for having the audacity to want more education and opportunities. What you need to learn about the nature of slavery in this country is that it never ended, it just transformed and the target is still black bodies. This is a scary reality but its solution isn’t to continue beating black kids into submission so Massah (or the warden in this case, I suppose) won’t get them. It is to be in active resistance to this system, whether you are a reformist or a revolutionary. Beating black children has never saved them from systemic violence because black people have never done anything to warrant it in the first place and we will never need to. They will always find their own justifications.
In terms of gang relations- I am from Englewood in Chicago and grew up with several current gang members- some of whom are family. ALL OF THEM, ALL OF THEM, ALL OF THEM, AWL. OF. THEM. GOT THEIR ASSES BEAT AS KIDS. Lack of economic opportunity, stable home life, and a desire to belong and feel loved are the main factors in gang membership. Not whether or not someone got hit. If we are being objective- I’d argue that violence in the home is much more likely to run black kids into the streets than it EVER will be with keeping in. And although there’s no study done on this (I’ve searched) I am willing to bet that most black people in jail got their asses beat as kids as well. It is just not an effective parenting method nor an effective shield from systemic violence.
Not beating your son will make him gay
Yes- this is an actual thing. Apparently it needs to be said that you cannot beat heterosexuality into children and that there is nothing wrong with a person being gay anyway. There is however something wrong with being so obsessively concerned with where your child may put their genitals in the future to the point of violence… Talk to somebody about that shit. Seriously. Especially since presence of homosexuality in a boy or man is not inherently a lack of masculinity. Masculine gay men exist. Fucking pussy is not the only way to be masculine.
Marrying violence to masculinity is something that is common and destructive in our community. It is present in our mainstream music most notably. There needs to be a serious dialogue in our community about how we literally equate misogyny, consumption and disposal of black women, and violence toward each other to manhood. In our community anything that isn’t hyper masculine is gay and that is a serious issue. Dealing in extreme dichotomies, especially when it’s normalizing a dangerous standard and painting a “less dangerous” standard as “wrong” is logically fallacious. And with the numbers on gun violence in our communities (which are of course exacerbated by poverty and lack of opportunity by systemic design) the results are apparent.
Not beating your daughter will make her “fast”
I am so tired of videos of black teens being beat on social media for being fast, for having the audacity to have an interest in boys. For having a body. For that body having the nerve to develop. For breathing. The worst one I ever saw was one where a girl ran away for a week and her father responded by beating her ass, outside, in public claiming that he was doing it because he loved her. SIR, IF YOUR CHILD RAN AWAY FROM HOME WHY ARE YOU NOT ADDRESSING WHY SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE THERE? Oh, it is because you think that beating her is love. I saw another where a woman was beating her daughter, again in public, because she told her mother that her mother’s boyfriend come onto her sexually. Black girls are seen as less innocent starting at age 5. In a community where most of the mothers are unmarried, and thus likely to be raising children with a man whom is not their father, subconsciously, some black mothers stop seeing their daughters as innocent children to be protected and as romantic rivals. As a result of this, those black mothers over police their daughters under the veil of “protecting them”. They are really policing them because they are jealous of their youth and insecure about whatever gross ass man they’re with. In the black community black women are made to feel that they NEED a man to validate their worth and that lack of a man in the home means they’re less than. Some black women will sacrifice anything to keep that trash ass man.
You are afraid for your daughter in a world that wants to consume her. That is valid, but it is also not her fault. If you are around grown men that are lusting after your daughter- address them and their actions/ behaviors, not hers. She is not doing anything wrong by existing. If your daughter has an age appropriate interest in sex or relationships with boys- educate them and help her make sound decisions. If your daughter has an non age appropriate interest in sex or is acting out sexually- screen her for sexual assault and molestation victimhood. 60% of black women have reported being sexually assaulted as children/ teens by adult men. Most women that I know were slut shamed by older black women before they ever even know what sex was. This is needs to stop. It is incredibly damaging to young girl’s self-image and confidence. There are worst things in the world than your teenage daughter having safe sex with her boyfriend… like your teenage daughter sneaking out to do so without being armed with the knowledge she needed to protect herself and getting pregnant because your version of a sex talk was a leather belt.
If you don’t hit your child, there is no other way to discipline them or teach them to respect authority
This is why I titled the last article I wrote “The Accidental Toxicity of Black Mothers”. I do not believe that all black women have some inherent malice towards black children. I do not believe that black women are inherently angry at or resentful of our children. I believe that black mother’s love their children so much that they hold on too tight to the point of becoming in home oppressors. Intent of black mothers don’t change the lasting effects of these “parenting” styles on the black children that then grow into black adults, however. The dichotomy that you can either beat your child or have anarchy is false. There is a middle ground. It is perfectly possible to teach your children respect for authority by setting and maintaining consistent boundaries and expectations for your children via reward systems. The best way to prevent misbehavior is to be proactive vs reactive. For example- with my own daughter when she is not being engaged she starts acting out. The way for me to misdirect her energy is by giving her something more productive to do with her time. Waiting until she acts out because she is bored than hitting her is not a solution. She doesn’t learn anything from that.
I have hit my child exactly once in her life. She was playing closely to a socket and tried to touch it and quickly out of fear and frustration I hit her hand. The look that she gave me was so full of hurt I vowed never to raise my hand to her again because it broke my heart. It wasn’t “hard” just a soft tap. I apologized to her immediately and explained to her why she couldn’t touch the socket and she understood and never touched on again (although she is old enough to safely use sockets and does). I sat later that night and really thought about what happened. In the time it took me to hit her, I could have just as easily moved her from harm’s way. I could have been proactive in telling her about sockets so that she knew not to touch them before her attempt. I could have covered the sockets for her protection and removed the problem all together. These are all things I could have been proactive about to prevent the issue from arising at all and I neglected to them then and then physically punished her for being a child and exploring. I never hit her again, but I am always looking for opportunities to teach her new things and engage her in new ways so her energy is always positively expended. Proactiveness vs Reactiveness.
None of this is to say that I am a perfect parent. My child has a present and active father with whom I share custody, and both my family and her dad’s family are always willing to provide her with love and care as well. I stayed home with her the first two years of her life because her father worked and provided for us both. This is not a support system that most black women have, unfortunately, and I am sure that this also plays a part in parenting methods. A single mother who works 2 job has way less opportunities to be proactive than one that has the support system that I do. Being aware of these issues and how they relate to intergenerational historical trauma is important. Unpacking these traumas are important. And realizing our babies deserve for us to do so is important.
Black Childhood Matters
Black Innocence Matters
Black Healing Matters
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