If you are not familiar with the term, polyamory is word used to describe a person who is in multiple relationships with multiple people with each of their consent. This is not to be confused with polygamy, in which a person has multiple wives or husbands. The suffix -gamy means marriage- and while polyamorous people can and do get married- marriage is not always the goal of polyamorous relationships, nor does a person have to be married for their relationship to be committed in a polyamorous dynamic.In polygamist cultures, you are usually either married or single. Polyamory is also not to be confused with non-monogamy in which a person doesn’t identify as poly or monogamous but has no desire to be committed to multiple people, or at anyone all. Polyamory is also not simple an “open relationship” where a monogamous couple allows one or both partners to have other sexual partners. I like to refer to this relationship style as “monogamy with sprinkles”. These are all other valid non-monogamous and not completely monogamous relationship statuses, but they are not the center of this specific piece.
I identify as polyamorous. I am not monogamous and will never be. I need to have freedom, autonomy, and not feel like my partner “owns” me or my sexuality. Polyamory allows me these freedoms. Some people like to think of polyamory as “legal cheating”. This is terribly misinformed and ignorant thinking and here’s why: it is perfectly possible for someone who is in a polyamorous relationship to cheat. How is this possible? It is possible because cheating, at its core, is just trampling on the trust and boundaries of your partner for your own selfish sexual gain. It is a willful abuse of trust. It is a commitment to long or short-term deceit. And you do not need to be in to be monogamous to be a cheating piece of shit nor, to be cheated on.
Being poly does not mean that your relationship is without boundaries and that your partner is free to do whatever they want with whomever they want. It does not mean that it is always open season for new potential partners. It does not mean that you can do what you want. Each polyamorous dynamic is different. Having multiple partners means that each of your partners have their own personal boundaries and expectations for your behavior. Each partner has a say in new partnerships and sexual partners. And as a person whom is in a polyamorous relationship, it is your responsibility to know your partner(s)’ boundaries and to honor them. You can still choose to lie to your partner. To entertain partners that you know your partner would not be okay with. You can choose to knowingly trample on an existing boundary. You can choose to dismiss or go around established and agreed upon channels of communication for issues and hide information you agreed to share with your partners. None of these possibilities change because your partner is okay with you having other partners. It is multiplied by the number of partners that you have.
One of the most ignorant ‘questions’ that I’ve ever received from a monogamous person about polyamory in this regard is “Well if you’re ok with them having sex with other people, you don’t love them and you might as well let them do what you want with who they want”. Which is also a common and ignorant mind state. It is very toxic to believe that sexual exclusivity is the only way to love someone. My body belongs to me, not my partner. I choose to share that part of myself with my partner(s). If my partner wishes to see other people and is careful to mind our established boundaries and channels of communication for this kind of information then I would only wish for them to be happy together and for us all to be happy as a unit. Their relationship has no bearing on our own and if there is an issue then I would broach it with my partner. Someone who wishes to do “whatever they want with who they want” should simply be single or non-monogamous. As a society we tend to associate “sexual promiscuity” with a lack of morals and ethics because of puritanical standards for sexual activity and a desire to control the sexual activity of women in particular, but the ideas are and always have been mutually exclusive.
What do boundaries look like in a polyamorous relationship? For myself, my boundaries are open compared to most dynamics. It is different person to person and dynamic to dynamic. I personally, prefer that my partners have no more than one partner besides me, that they communicate at all stages when considering another partner, and that all potential partners are subject to my approval. Some people like to be the “primary” partner to their partner in that all new partners are secondary to them. I do not personally like this mind state because if I have any partners I wouldn’t prioritize one over the other. Its not fair to the other partner, but how other folk’s dynamics work for them isn’t my business.
Another ignorant mindset about polyamory is that people who cheat are somehow polyamorous but don’t know how to communicate this and I really disagree with this point. I believe that cheaters are cheaters and will find a way to shit on whatever frame of a relationship that they are in. Chronic cheaters have no desire for a healthy polyamorous relationship because they don’t desire for their partner to consent to their antics. They like the lying. They want the thrill of the chase of not being caught. They get off on feeling like they’re getting over on their partner. And because most cheaters never have any intentions of committing to the person they’re cheating with- they don’t desire having the “side piece” as an actual partner. Chronic cheaters do not have the level of personal integrity, clear communication, and concern for the consent and boundaries of their partner to make a healthy polyamorous relationship work so conflating their nonsense with polyamory is very fucking insulting.
Overall, there are a lot of misunderstandings about what polyamory is and how it works. Some of it stems from monogamy as a societal standard in the west and some of it is just a lack of resources to more information. The best way to not end up an ignorant asshole on the other side of one of my draggings is to educate yourself. I recommend “The Ethical Slut” by Janet W Hardy and Dossie Easton. It’s a quick read and very informative.
